so i need to write more often.
Casue i hate bottling stuff up. I think i forgot how to cry....
Okay, latest issue- Brian Kuperman. I... I dont know.. I havnt felt this way since i fist met brent... that whole need to be around someone, just to appreciate their existence? I dont know.. everything about him, like, our personalities just click. For real, for once. We dont really have everyhting in common but he is the first person in forever that i act like myself around but have the biggest crush on him. But 4 months ago, or so, the love of his life broke up with him, and at the moment he wants nothing at all from anyone. Which is a problem, when all i want is him... all to myself... just him... And i cant have it.
Of course, being me, i somhow give off this vibe that its okay to just fuck around with me. So we did stuff, and i want him. and he doesnt want anyone. So im crushed, and he basically tells me that it will never happen... as i start falling for him. He knows we have somthing, which he claims will make us the best of friends... but what am i to do when all i want to do when i see him is run up and hug himand kiss him, and have him smile and be so happy to see me... and just... smile... like ive seen him do for me- and only me, i havnt seen him smile like he does around me around anyone else. Thats an incredible thing
Im in so much coflicted pain. But its not as bad... at leats anymore. Im getting pretty numb to it, i couldnt even cry when i was talking to him. There were tidbits of this, what the fuck attitude, but otheriwse it was all... just patheticly sappy feelings... and just wanting him to hold me. I cant handle this sort of rejection anymore I dont think.
I love the fact that he forces me to believe he never wanted to hurt me, which just makes me love him more. he pays so much attention to how i feel... to trying to get me to be okay, he hates himself for ever making me cry, for being the reason of any sort of pain in my life. SO WHY CANT HE DATE ME, HUH!? Is there seriously no fucking justice in this world? Does god seriously hate me that much to have it happen again- the perfect guy that seems to care about me soooo much, but nope, sorry it cant happen, i cant be fucking happy. It can never happen. I know that we will probably be best friends, i know that i will be able to turn to him with everything, and hang out with him all the time. I know this. I know that i will evetually fall head over heels in love with him. I know its the worst form of self mutilation. He sighs.. when i touch his face, he does this litte exhale thing- not abd sigh, like... no ones veer touched him like that before... just sliding my fingers along the profile.. he just does this little smile and relaxes... its so damn cute. everything about him i so damn cute- the way he freaks out when i look at him like hes so damn cute, the way he has witty punch lines and things that should be said in a movie- his humour is amazing. He makes every second better. Its pathetic casue ive said all this before...
its funny... casue the feelings have faded, and its scary casue i never thought they would. Like, i dont see him as perfect anymore. Hes to the point of just my brother... and Its crazy... I never thought it could happen. I mean I love him, i always will... but its just not the same- i dont feel that urge, that constant need for him to be in my life as much, i dont beat myself up that hes not in my life anymore... that hes just this beutiful perosn on the sideline. I never expected it to get that way....
and alan. I dont know what to say about him... I talked to stephanie and realized, that i think i may be trying to conince myself that alan is perfect for me to get over brian. Becasue I cant convince myself that Alan and I will never happen, that no matter what i do, the feeling she once had dont exist and never will, as much as i maybe want them to... he was the only man in my life to call me beautiful and mean it, and not just my looks, everything about me, he said i was beutiful... he appreciated every word i said. And i fucked that whole thing up.. bleh bleh bleh bleh. Yeah it would be nice to have him back in my life. But hes a stubbourn little bitch whgo thinks im a hyper annoying kid. at least i dont drop my fucking slushies. god dammit, i dont think anyone knows me. never mind. i lied. Andreas knows me.
so my life sucks... ill write more later
