*~Traveling Penguin~ *

Arriving home after sitting on a hot bus, and writing an essay for an hour that counted for our nine weeks exam, I had 102.4 temerature, my mom figured, since Ive been sick like this for about four days. Hey, maybe we should go to a doctor. You may say- Anne- why are you typing? And I say, becasue when i lay down, my head hurts too much. I originally didnt want to tell anyone, or write half the crap I am about to tell people, but numerous things in the afternoon and day have driven me to write my problems down, and for some friggin reason voice them to the world. In the words of eeyore- go ahead, depress others, its more fun that way.

So I go to the doctor right? More like the emergency room, becasue we could not get an appointment quick enough, and my breath was getting really rapid, it had been all day- just not weezy, when I got home and ate- it became very wheezy. Well anyway, the temperature and sickness is casued by the flu, and apprently my throat swab showed signs of strept throat.. ah hahaha. Whopide frickin do. I also talked to the doctor about my breathing condition, and he placed that friggin cold stethoscope on my chest, breathe deeply and crap, and then he did a blood test and some other little tests with things i had to swallow for x-rays and looking down my throat and crapo, all in all it was a tireing and very annoying process when one has a huge headache and is really dizzy. Were all done, and the doctor asks me if I smoke. Im thinking- what you think i have lung cancer? No, no I never have, dont plan to. And hes like, you have signs of emphysema (spelling?) .. which I didnt think teenage girls could get, something to deal with too much carbon dioxide, and my lung tissue is really weak... makes it alot harder for me to push out carboin dioixde during exercise or when im excited... anytime when i breathe fast and Im not really thinking.. I guess. He also said its a mix of bronchitis and whooping cough- there might be bacterial infection in my lungs, which is honestly the best bet- he thinks. And of course, he cant do anything for it. He says besides keeping active, and doing exercises to clear out the passages, and taking medication to treat infections... but for now, it will probably be hard for me to breathe for a long time, so i have to be careful. Smart guy- dontcha think. I hate doctors.

Speaking of my hatred of doctors. My Fathers cancer is not all gone. Heh- now ya know why i talked to you about that ...huh Denny. So they're just gonna wait. They are going to *pardon my language* fucking wait and see what it does.. maybe it will go away. Or maybe it will just get terribly worse again, and the six weeks of hell that my father had to go thru with surgery, kemo, and recooperation, my mothers depression attacks, and me keeping the entire house together without having more then one nervous breakdown a week might happen all over again. OH YEAH! Im soo looking forward to the possibility of that! Especially since all the friends that were actually THERE for me at the time are now a ga billion miles away. "hello class, our topic today is things that make me very angry" *hahaha, *woo* I crack myself up*

I called my sister yesterday. Ellis picked up. I asked to talk to her to set a date for us to eat lunch so i could talk to her. Apprently Rick and Tom already sent emails. Kate thinks it is my fault that they feel this way. She refuses to talk to me. Through Ellis she said If i 'disowned' her, why should she make any efforts. Again, I had to hear all this from Ellis, in his "i am surperior, i hope you die" tone of voice. I hung up on him.

lol, more funny stuff- its great how much of a dick Mr Seamen can be- Get it? Funny right. Im failing math. And unlike Andreas who is also failing, I am not leaving next semester. * im gonna heal naturally- laughter is the best medicine*

ya know whats great tho. All the pain from other areas of my life.. craziness with love and friendships- seem so meaningless and petty, Im not scared by them anymore, more numb to them, I dont care anymore, casue I dont currently think there is any truth or meaning to them, i dont think there ever was.... sheer brilliance that I only come to realize this now. Amd I dont care how much you pretend to care, or how much you expect me to have faith in you, and just sit here and deal with being played and used and totally screwed over.. i hate being lied to, and I want you to stop. I hope you know how much you tear me apart, I hope you know exactly who you are.

If i could be anything, I would be a falling star, casue then everyone would have faith in me, and believe that i could make their dreams come true.

I hate whining, this is silly, I want a grant to go overseas and study photography and pop a tent in the middle of the swiss alps to photograph mountian goats and be completely alone...*and dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart*

I must....go away... lay down.. or sit up and get even further away from reality. I dont want your pity.. dont try to dish it.

Annabelle Grace

posted by Anne # 2:41 PM

~Traveling Penguin~

Thursday, December 06, 2001

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