This is absolutly crazy... I mean seriously. EVERYTHING is just TOO perfect. I AM SO HAPPY i could cry, like right now Im listening to entertaining angels, and writing this, im about to cry... i cant stop smiling...
Today has been a wonderful day... just totally clensing, everything has been on the up and up.. and I cant handle that! im soooo not used to it... im taking little tiny things and getting upet about them -- pshaw for like 2 seconds... just to imgaine like.. it cant be this amazing.. can it? Purifying, clensing, free, beautiful, hopeful, graced ... blue eyed fool... wanting to fly.. and jump... and roll around in the grass and giggle.. for days... Its too perfect- wow...
Couldnt wipe the smile off my face around Denny today. I know that sounds like I enjoy his company.. maybe too much.. but i think its becasue.. *GASP* i felt
*gasp* COMFORTABLE around him.. I had no worries, no need to feel like i gotta impress him.. or have that lil nervous tinge.... it was incredible, I could care less what Den thought about me.. and could care less when he was coming or going.. shit.. thats frickin amazing. Considering i used to practically wait by the door for him, and never want to leave his side. Im pathetic.. I really am. me+someone i cant get= OBSESSION.. *screams* Im done , im over with it.. BLEH.. shoot me, lol. BUT SCORE talk about being totally up and proud of myself, I coudda gotten out of that car without and hug- and still would have been just as happy about every second we were together. Denny is truly and awesome guy- aside from his swolen head that is eventually gonna fall off one of these days... - he keeps me talkin... his stories were freakin hilarious. Like he walked in on his roomie having sex with some girl... wow.. i hope that NEVER happens to me.. Id laugh so hard- anyways. So we chilled with his sister, whois the cutest and nicest person on earth- pertaining to mady, not jen... however jen is spiff too.. just not as undieingly sweet. Yeah so i made up a word, so sue me. Whatever... glad to see Denny, very glad- major healing process, and .. hes just too damn cute.. lol. But we had fun... it was worth getting up early, maybe Ill see him again Monday- if not thanksgiving... I was beaming getting out of that car- ... beaming.. sooo proud of myself.. i was just...aglow...
Lol, I went outside like 20 minutes ago to see if my rents had come home, and my cat ran out.. and started running around my legs.. so i figured- what the hell? and started dancing... I looked like a totall goof but i just ran and jumped everywhere, scaring the crap outta my cat.. hehe! It was great. I.. I get to go with Kim tomorrow to Uf to see the campus... and Alan.. I GET TO SEE ALAN!!! i was practically counting the days till homecoming weekend... and now i see him tomorrow. ~falls back into the arms of grace~ Can this get any better?? I see my baby for the first time since weve been official tomorrow.... TOMORROW! not in a week not in 5 days... WEEE!!! Dizam is he getting a huge kiss... lemmie tell ya. Gosh, i cant wait to see him, i just wann go to bed now to wake up tomorrow and GO... but then I would miss seeing my truck...
Woah.. Did i just say.. MY TRUCK?? well itll still be my rents.. but i will be the only one driving it.. so isnt it considered mine??!! *bretahes in** I have a truck, a white truck, i cant believe this, my rents actually bought me a car, im going to cry, im going to cry, and drive it, then im going to cry some more... WHEEEE!!!!!!!
I have wings ... i feel like Im flying... Agh! I need to stop... stop using the same metaphors actually... but still. *and you say youve got that feeling again.... * I just wanna lay on my roof and *sigh* wow, the weather outside is.. AMAZING, cool crisp, my hair isnt tweakin... sooooo nice. ~bliss~. Speaking of Kim, wow.. I LOVE her.. I know she was upset with me i
know it... god knows why... but the fact that she chose not to tell me so she would get over it and just keep me happy?? I mean like in a way that upsets me, casue Id rather know.. but thats- so insanly nice- I.. wow.. shes so much happier now, were spending alot of time together... and shes.. just *cool* with me again, shes got that smile back when shes around me.. were crazy sistas.. just.. running playing.. it was so cool last night, to feel that connection again, finish each others sentances, make fun of popular people.. I have some of the bestest friends ever.
Brooke and Day just showed up today at my door, and forced me to go to McDonalds... HOW SWWEET!! I wa slike, wow you guys.. hi *strats crying* I havent had people just *show up* and surprise me at my house in FOREVER... Gods been hugging me all day i swear... Id love to sit here and say i deserve it.. but goodness...no one does. I was talking to Katie online... FOOD!!!!! brb.. I just ate Wonton Soup... COULD IT GET ANY BETTER???? AGH!! So right, i was talking to Kt, and she said Mike Miles apprently asked her out on a date- I officially pat myself on the back for that one... Muhehee. Shes SO happy... but she was really worried about JR, and i told her, just be nice to him, still go to homcoming and stuff- he will understand you guys are just friends, and should be happy for her. All i wanted was her happiness... and for heaven sakes shes like gonna explode she was smiling so big. Brooke and Day demanded to drive over there when I told them so we could all jump up and down and sqeal. Awesome, just whee! Im so glad i *hinted* too him.. AWESOME. WEEE for katie... hopfully shje wont freak out and get over him immediatly, i need to fix that with her- *growl* I LOVE MY RYN!! *spins*
what else, what else... I GET TO SEE ALAN TOMORROW!!!!!!! omg omg omg... My rents came home and they wont bring the truck back till monday, casue the idle speed needs to be fixed... just a thing to look forward to on monday! WHEEEEEEE! *tingy feeling* ERR I CANNOT WAIT until I get my braces friggin off (les then two months) casue then everyone can actually SEE the way im smiling. Angel dust- PERFECT... scattered across my dreams... clouding my eyes... i cant see past the angel dust thats blown into my life.. I cant blink... nothings gonna pass me by... *breathes... Jumps...*
Ya know what I wanna do?? right now?? Run and jump off a cliff into water.. who cares where.. ill find it.. Err Im still having trouble expressing how I feel.. Ill still sit here for several minutes before I type, and think, or Ill just
go and type and type and type.. like now.. lol. And somtimes Ill go back, and edit- usually i repremand myself for that.. however.. im getting better at letting go. WHY AM I EDITING? I mean seriously... theres me, and possibly- if he remebers the addy, which i doubt he will. (and well is fine :P) the one i trust with my... everything.. i trust him.. i just do :) So why should I not just *write*... Who knows.. Ill get better...
For now.. Ive run out of things to say yet again, which looking back over this, is well a good thing. Off to play a trivia game with my rents... this is great... i actually might have fun... who knows?? *downloads perfect day from hoku*... Just keep playin the song....*giggles* Sigh, Im such a dork.. I am SUCH a dork... lol. I really hope Alan doesnt read this now.. hahaha.... DORK DORK DORK...
Okay..
Ciao Love
Love, Me
Gosh I hoped I helped him... it took all night, and the next time he even thinks about procrastinating, Im gonna kick his ass- but still.. i so hope I helped him. To have some purpose in his life.. besides just his girlfriend... to make some diffrences, to make him happy.. thats all that matters right? Err, I read laurens blog today , she has some pretty small deep rooted feelings for Alan still- its obvious, and really sweet. what she wrote was awesome.. basically she said- its hard, but im okay with it. Which is very cool- cause God knows what Corey's told her.. I was suprised that everyone in the school is talking about me! *I feel popular* weeee. Im not upset or worried or whatever with Lauren at all- Alan and her are great friends... they had somthin once- even tho I dont know the story i know its hard to just stop liking somone. I think the only thing Im worried about is her not liking me...err.. but shes a really sweet girl- and Its kickass for her to be happy for Alan.. and thats all i have to say about that.
I think Im gonna change the URL for this.. Heart of Grace? Wtf is that... "more words that sounded pretty together!" *BANG!* .. sorry for the inconvience, i just shot whoever the hell that was. They do sound "pretty" together.. but heart of grace is nowhere dipicting what this blog is going to focus on- FUCK FUCK FUCK... theres your heart of grace for ya... MUHEHE!... *eep* im a horrible person. lol
Dude.. I need to figure out what irritates me so much about my parents- I mean seriously It drives me insane when they try and talk to me.. ill be sittin here on the computer, and they will come in and start saying stuff- and the thoughts that run the my head are like "what the hell do you want? cant you see I cant hear you casue of the music.. and that im obviously doing somthing more important.." woo... Like this morning, my mom woke me up to say her and dad were leaving, and like she woke me up by banging incesantly on the door--- hello morons... Im a light sleeper.. all you have to do is say Hi. --- but no.. she bangs on the door.. And i had this sudden urge-- to well first somhow pry my eyes open.. then launch at the door and slam it in her face.. *repressed anger much?*... seriously, i never get mad at anyone anymore... cept my rents. Like seriously about 98% of the time I am home I seclude myself to my room or the computer room....and i bitch and whine about the 2% of the time my rents try and converse with me.. It just drives me up a wall- LEAVE ME ALONE!! Which.. if i actually thought about it.. they really do... which is cool in a way. bleh.. Im gonna disciss this later more in depth.
Im currently talking to Lauren now.. that was wierd.. she Imed me like right after I worte that. This is cool- were conversing quite well! *yay*... she got to talk to me about some things..... which is very good.. and its funny casue weve both read each other's blogs... and we barley even know each other.. curosity... overtakes women. Period. Lol. Err, i lost my train of thought. Ill just go back to conversing with people. I hope my baby is sleeping.... Ciao Love
Love, Me
Right so i made this blog like forever and a day ago. When I made the Screen name actually. And i kept looking at it- wondering why I made it.. thinking... I made it becasue I was sick of the other ones template. I AM sick of the other ones template actually.. I look at the pink now, and go good God what was i thinking- i figured a fat cat was cute.. No.. no its not cute. Its a childish drawing that i want to poke with a stick. lol. So it was cute. Cute cute cute. Look at the cuteness... good god what was i thinking!. So i switched.. to a more conservative *perty* one. Simple- concise.. just what I like. Pertaining to somthing Im going to have to work on.. yeah- simple concise... thank goodness. So everytime I think about working on this... I wonder- Why? I have a fully functioning one that I know enjoy the look of.. but theres just- something. Something about a personal Blog, that I know will be more helpful. Ive got a diray- but im not even personal in a PERSONL diary... how sad is that? I quit writing in it anyway. Ive written this entry about 10 times in the last two weeks.. never knowing where to begin or end- and what reason to post it. Right, tonight.. i finally got that reason- its been plaguing me.. i knew it all along.. but i never faced it. I Anne Putnam- SUCK at expressing feelings... hope desires thoughts... anything that runs thru this brain- I cant express. Maybe things that have happened to me Im open about- but fears? Loves? Wishes? MAD HARD. I really didnt know this until Brent went to my 16th birthday party and realized I acted totally diffrent around the Gifted group then I do him.. and he asked me why- I never noticed... I did. I was always so calm, truthful.. giddy i guess... never really dumb and stupid and *exasperated*? Around Brent- I thought i was SO open to him.. that i was truly MYSELF around him. And then one day- i realized.. maybe im just One side of myself around him... the one im afriad to show everone. Until he told me he felt that he didnt truly know me- That yes.. Im incredibly comfortable around him, that im "open", that im happy- and that side to myself... but i never sat there and told him my feelings... becasue the few times I did.. he repressed them- mainly becasue they were negative, jumbled, not well thought out, casught up in the moment and quickly expressed in a fit of need.. breakdown. I got shot down for expressing my feelings- and I applied that reaction to all my actions towards him.. He pretty much did the exact same thing to me... which hurt. Err.. assess asses.. your point... what the hell is my point? Right, okay. SO i realize the one person i thought i was the most open to.. didnt think i was open to them...in a way i never even thought about be for- too afraid too. So yeah.. Ive never been good with talking about feelings.. I couldnt tell ya whats running through my mind right now. Maybe weather to cut my hair or not. And that the song Im listening to isnt help me think... *changes song* I also realized I am a total stream of conciousness writer.. awesome. I never thought I was- and i am damn proud of it, no matter what anyone thinks. So yeah.. I figured- Am i even open to anyone? Well.. there is megs.. Im not vouluntarily open to her- but.. like shes probably the only one that prevokes no fear from me to answer any personal question she asks: maybe its becasue i know she really wants to know. And shes not just pretending.. or that she asked- me -not that I just went off.. on some tangent.. boring the person to death- or making it so they got sick of giving advice. Damn, i really miss Andreas... Straight up truth from him. I could run to him at 2 in the morning and ...cry.. and i never fell for Andreas... God.. was he awesome- then.. He died. Shoo.. fuck a duck- who knows what happened to Andy. I think he's better now with jessi back.. but damn did he dissapear for a while there. Asses... asses... pinpoint the problem- you can do this. What the hell am i scared of anymore? i mean seriously... nothing can bring me down latly.. yet I cant sit there and tell Brent about Alan.. I cant confront Kim with issues... I cant easily axcess thoughts for Alan and easliy answer his questions. Soul searching dammit- why is it so hard for me?? I
FEEL so much.. theres gotta be somthing to it. Frankly... I dont trust people- I found myself, on the other blog- realizing i couldnt use names.. or talk about specific things... and for a diary type thing? thats not supposed to happen. I found myself not trusting people- I know for a fact tho, that i TRUST people with a lot of things... A LOT.. maybe waaay to much- I usually have a problem with putting to much faith into people. But the issue is- I dont trust that people
truly love me. Im not surprised about that one... havnt healed yet.. things keep happening.. took a chance with Alan- wow did I. I have faith in him.. thing is, why express my deepest inner most thoughts that even
I cant axcess... to people i think dont really care? I will to megan.. when she asks... I
might to Kim- depends on the WAY shes acts, I will to annie- when she asks...same with Drew... However I Wont to Brent, and i Wont to Andreas anymore... i have problems with Sara too- she cuts in too much with her own problems.. which i dont mind listening to.. but.. we mirror each other too much. I refuse to ever again say anything personal to Denny.. Brent may fix himself- but Denny has NOTHING at all to work with, and he doesnt care... ppsh. I cant believe I liked that guy. Alan on the other hand... i refused to like him.. I said no.. NO MORE older guys for me.. no more people im "not sure of.."... We played this lyrics game once... pretty much guessed every song on each others- laughed.. really hit home that we had a lot in common.. i stepped closer and closer to the edge. I refused to do it.. I couldnt.. i wasn't going to get hurt again, and what pissed me off even more was my friends. Megan and Kim had this mindset.. I couldnt ever NOT like somone I knew well.. it pissed the hell outta me! Dont you think im stronger then that? Cant you just understand I dont want to get hurt again and actually believe in me?! I think they were shooting for the whole... they saw the glimmer in my eyes when i talked about him, they saw the way my face looked.. they knew a long time before I did- i hate that. Theres .. something about him.. I can trust him and have no reason to be afraid. I seriously believe no matter what happens... Im not going to be hurt.. I will appreciate every second we have together... know that he was only here to make me.. be happy.. to start loving who I am- thats why he likes me.. for me.. the way I act when Im calm truthful... free of worries... about how i look.. etc.. just my WORDS.. my mindset.. Its amazing. How can I not Love that? Everything aches inside me to sit down with him... and *breathe*... just tell him
everything how i feel about my life, my parents, my sister, my friends, my school, my future, how i feel about him, how i feel about.. me.. God.. anything everything, i wish i could have all the time in the world. i want to listen to every word he has to say too... everything... How he feels about life, future, his family friends... his heart his mind, his dreams.. everything. Just... somthing about him. Its insane. Ive felt this way before about some people.. the undying trust and need... but shoot.. it wasnt fulfilled- at all. Gotta take chances tho- or Im never gonna find it. Im just so glad I took one on him. Im so incredibly happy... no crying anymore.. just *change* just moving on.. just.. freedom. ITS AMAZING. Im telling megan more things. I dont trust people with my heart- but hell i need to trust some. Or im not going to go anywhere. I
will tell megan more things.. i dont care if she doesnt give me the right answers- she cares about me. Maybe alan can read this but otherwise... nope.. just me :) Itll be my vent page. Lol.. or somthing. I should write about Kim on here... but Im not too worried about that. Mainly right now its.. Bewilderment and Excitment.. spinning thru my head.. Its insane- I HAVE A BOYFRIEND... i have a best friend.. im doing good in school, im ignoreing everything my rents say successfully..- were definetly getting hit with anthrax soon.. or somthing.. this is crazy.. I thank the heavens above for blessing me so much. I have to work on me.. its been about a year or so since i truly decided- no.. Im better then this.. step by step.. Ill be me.. Ill trust the few privaleged, ill feel loved.. i wont be hurt- Ill be on my cloud, and be strong, i will know how to handle things when they get a little crazy.. I will beat myself... and Live. Things will get this way right? Its gonna take forever..lol. *I am Happy* there, i expressed my feelings... I am happy.. i deep in some blissful dream.. wishing to sleep in the lap of my lover.. subdued in all my rage... with my deamons drivien out with the presence of real love- angels.. pick me up.. let me fall.. the feeling .. the life.. *breathe* Its all good... *show me what this life is for* ... you know that feeling that you get.. it feels like your whole rib cage.. and like chest cavity.. just sint there. its fluttering air.. not he butterflys feeling.. its like.. your falling.. but its ony your heart.. that lump in your throat.. that *peace*.... I just got it..
I think this will be fun..
im so happy i did this.. inspiration rocks... and I love my inspiration more then anything.. and he better know it..
So maybe I never really got my point across.. but *baby steps* I opened up a little more.. Im getting there!!! *turns page and continues to read herself* itll get more profound.. more beautiful.. more me.. I promise- but i was too... in the moment to not just *write* and write for the hell of it. i know your going to read this.. casue i decided that you should.. hehe.. so.. yeah *waves* hi. You are my *baby*... I cant believe it! Gr,, now Im dieing to see you even more.. Hoped this satisfied your hunger to taste a little of whats in my head... itll get better and more... i know it will... sorry so long. GO STUDY!!! *teehee*
Love, Me
