Note to self... do not read old depressing conversations that make you wish for the good ol days.. that were like two months ago. Seriously!! Things can change at a drop of a hat... words can have no meaning, feelings can be destroyed... why...
I didnt say all the things that i wanted to say, and you cant take back what you have taken away... casue I feel you.. I feel you near me.. Its amazing If you truly think about it.. I could sit here and curse his name, and get so angry at him somtimes... and then theres times where I dream, I have memories, the nostalgia for the constant happiness he made me feel... geesh, the drop of a hat..... one word out of a past loved one... destroy everything with a few words... the heart is so damn powerful. Its hilarious tho... hes down the fucking street practically, havnt talked to him in weeks... he whines about no one callin him, no one hanging out with him, and i call him... not only does he not answer, he doesnt return the phone call. I guess were all insane hypocrits in a way.. I said i wouldnt love.. like... have feelings for anyone after brent.... well denny mainly.. for a looooonnng time. ERG, i had to fall... way to be stupid, i knew it was coming... Kim knew it would happen the whole time. Killed our friendship becasue of it. Stupid stupid stupid.. "i ment everything I said, its not becasue of Lauren"... just because im dating her only a month after we called things off means nothing! I swear!!... *laughs* Im glad ive been sick and unable to leave the house, the outside world and thier inner illusions with what they think is "true" and "workable".... make me sick. If only I was a bitch, and actually capable of telling people how I really feel. Dammit If i did that two months ago... who knows where I would be now... instead of fucking hiding so much, and feeling like I have to do anything to keep my happiness, and having such a low esteem to stop my slut like tendancies... fuck fuck fuck... never again.
so many reasons why... your the only one who ever knew me at all... so take a look at me now- theres just an empty space...
IM GONNA KICK BRENT IN THE FACE. If he keeps friggin confusing me with his words and sweet reassuring voice, I swear im going to go completly insane. It makes me really friggin angry somtimes... the empty promises keep pileing up... the fact that he actually missed my birthday... and talking to him on the phone today was the first time ive heard his voice in months made me so sad... big brother... *sigh*.. he was there for me when i needed him.. he drove 45 minutes for me. he still confuses the crap out of me somtimes...
such a tease
Denny on the other hand is a friggin angel and it makes me sick. He cant be any more perfect, he remembered my birthday, and doesnt even read my blog... *sigh* such a fake fake angel... the perfect husbund... that doesnt love you.. cause he loves himself too much...
I miss my sister, I miss her christmas spirit... I miss her actually being here on my birthday, and celebrating it with my mother and I. Why must family suck.
I miss smiling like I never had before... :(
Love, Me
