Alright, apprently Ive come to the conclusion that yes, writing in this dumb thing actually is somwhat of a healing- clensing process. Because.. Im going insane.. and I havnt discussed (besides with Katie and Meg) some of my issues latly in any shape or form, and self destruction emotionally isnt as healthy as one might think. Well, Alan, buddy~ your the only one who reads this, who knows if you even read it anymore.. now that i think of it, but I gotta talk... to you.. but your having problems, and im too scared that im going to screw up- "our realtionship" whatever the hell it is, if i start going off on how Im feeling.. but.. I dont know what to do. Its absolutly amazing the things I can say to people when im in the heat of... just need.. need to *bleh* the need to have anyone.. anything.. listen.. care for me.. to even pretend. baby, i have been on this CRAZY rollercoaster ride latly..im not dieing, frankly, im on such a hapiness high.. that like.. Im still smiling at the worst times, or a little bit after. When you signed off tonight.. i started crying. *sorry* I dunno why.. I just felt.. completly worthless, like every effort i had made to be truly helpful, and myself, wasnt good enough.. that the first person who actually liked me ... and for ME- who amazed the living crap out of me.. who i fell for... so hard.. was now unsure. Again I get my hopes up.. just to be stepped on.. I know.. I know no matter what this is gonna turn out okay :) I will only be stronger, and we will still be friends.. and who knows we may even get back together... either way i will be happy, one way i would a hell of a lot more happy... but who knows.. only time can tell right. Okay, yeah Im gonna kick times ass, lol. See the thing is, i dont want yto tell you how i veiw things somtimes.. i dont want to tell you that i get hurt over some small things- casue then your gonna freak out and not wanna be with me- cause ill overract on everything- hell.. i get that a lot :). But ill get over it.. someday, im doing quite well now, instead of reading into it so much, i mainly just question it, and look for the good an bad- and contemplate discussing the situation, but i dont really have the guts. Err, I wish everything could be worked out, perfect, simple.. happy- I want my instructions. I wrote about a five page essay to drew tonight about how im feeling latly. I dunno if you will read it, and who knows if it will imporv my status with you.. or screw me over- but you gotta take chances.. and Id much rather us both be happy- casue i know you wouldnt like it if i was unhappy. Before i paste it tho.. Alan.. gosh.. you have no idea.. practically counting the seconds till i see you next... I just- bleh wish you truly knew how i felt. I keep thinking you dont believe i like you as much as i do.. just, wow, some of the words you say to me, send me flying.. i lovveee feeling special.. and you can so get me somtimes.. i mean that one post.. i was so happy i could cry. I dunno.. I got to te point where i felt like i lived to see you smkile kinda thing..i mean dont freak out.. i dont worship the groud you walk on, but i respect you.. so insanly much, and every second of saturday i wanted to kiss you.. hold you.. talk to you.. today (sunday) i seriously wanted you to just never stop hugging me.. my rents and i had gotten into a big fight, about stupid stuff, i dont need to get into.. but i was soooo happy i was leaving for one- and that i got to see you.. Seriously. I wouldnt shut up about you all night.. and frankly, the main thing i wouldnt shut up about was what a doof i was for not kissing you before you left. But cant do anything now. Im sorry if i got your car wet :( i shudda just let you go the first time you asked... grr.. wow im really sorry... i can be really annoying somtimes. Whatever.. moving on. i seriously, i pray to god next weekend works out... to lay in your arms.. to have total private time with you.. holy crap.. id cry.. just bawl becasue it would be too perfect.. :P Bleh, im such a dork. hold on.. so lemmie copy my epic to dribble.. (i apologize if anything said to him may upset you... but he was the only one on that I trusted and i was in dire need to talk to someone, and i apoloize that it happened to be your roomate.. please.. im sorry...)
cReTiNo483: go for it
pIcacHu955: okay, major series of events.. im going crazy!! I over analyze EVERYTHING. errr, i hate that im a girl:-( right okay. So friday.. apprently miscomunication.. i thought we were gonna do somthing, i dunno what he thought, but yeah, he went to the game etc etc. Awesome im glad he had fun... but dumb me.. i still dont really know what happened, thought he was gonna call or stop by and stayed home all night. I dunno... and like i told megan about it, and she kinda made me feel like .. i guess i was ditched, and i felt horrible. Cause like- err Alan wouldnt do that.. but i had so many frickin thoughts running thru my head, the main one hitting- i wasnt important, and and he really didnt want to see that much.. again.. i hate being a girl
pIcacHu955: so he stops by saturday.. i guess he figured we were gonn hang out saturday- again probably a miscomunication... but i never found out!! When i talked to him about it.. on saturday.. he was just like "oh, well, they went to the game, i was there and figured, why not"... but the thing was, he told me he didnt want to go to the game, and i dunno... he knew how much i wanted to go.. and well.. whatever.. he just kinda passed it off, whatever, a whoops. But it hurt me and i was kinda like NO were not gonna pass this off.. i wanna know where i screwed up... but forget it.. i was like whatever.. lets have fun today
pIcacHu955: i punched him in the arm, laughed it off, went oh well.. and forgot about it
pIcacHu955: but still.. dood.. he didnt care... it didnt even seem like he picked up on the fact that i was hurt
pIcacHu955: bleh
pIcacHu955: right and then...
pIcacHu955: saturday, damn.. wow.. it was awesome. I had a lot of fun- and it wasnt even like anything speacial... ya know? we just hung out.. i dunno.. god drew i like him.. A LOT.. its insane. I dont know whats wrong with me.. like i convince myself that i have to like poeple i cant get or somthing, i dont know. But i just fed off him soo bad, i was happy, i was sacrastic, i was in such an awesome mood, it was.. soo nice. And like that night.. ya know.. I dunno on the way home when we were alone, we just talked, it was cool.. i thought we connected pretty well. And lik.. he had to go home to watch a movie with his mom.. and then we were gonna go out and watch a movie again that night. WEE! Gosh all day, well after a lil bit of comfort period, we were so flirtatious.. it was very very cool. I was on such a cloud nine.. like *jump up and down* he actually likes me!! kinda thing.. and at the end of the night before he left to watch the movie with his rents.. he actually kissed me. *falls over dead* like i had to run inside after it happened before i peed my pants. (GOD I AM SUCH A GIRL) I was so happy, i couldnt stop jumping around everywhere... Like.. I was soooo excited about going back out again...
pIcacHu955: so i get all cute, get a shower and stuff casue i felt icky, casue he kinda showed up when i was totally not prepared to go anywhere- and we just left... but since we were going somwhere like citywalk i figured, hmm, ill get cute. And so im all happy. And like.. 11 o clock rolls around.. considering he left my house at 8, i figured he would call by now. By midnight I went online- he came on and put an away message up, 20 minutes later he comes back- and hes all like" how am i supposed to call you if your online?" apprently, the movie ran long and his rents talked, and he was too tired to do anything then.. yeah, like i woudda been able to stay out till 4 in the morning anyway! lol.. but moving on. I was still cool with it, it was alright... i had a KICKASS day with him
pIcacHu955: the sad thing is, meg and kim had gone out and partied that night, and i could have gone with them... but i wanted to go with alan, and they understood that and said it was okay- or at least thats what i thought.. kim apprently still thinks i suck, becasue i like another guy who is just gonna "hurt me". but we will get to that later. Anyways. After a lil while i asked alan when he started the movie, he said like 8:30.. dizam.. apprently family man is a 3 and a half hour movie? Whatever... i wasnt gonna care.. pass it off. So i talked to him on the phone cause he wanted me to at least call him (*wee!* I feel special again*) And so we talked for a while, about.. nuthin.. yeah yeah.. right nayway... hung up slept
pIcacHu955: right
pIcacHu955: today
pIcacHu955: COMPLETE opposite
pIcacHu955: he stopped by today before he left right? wee, so cute, i was so happy he stopped by. And like, i dunno.. he would look my in the eye when he talked to me.. again.. whereas he was very good with that on saturday.. and he was.. really distant, and i dunno cold?? But it was still cool, casue he stopped by to say hi. Cute right, but what was i doing wrong to make him uncomfortable?? I was standing there... talking to him... very confusing... might be reading to much into it, but it also seemed to pain him when he hugged me. God, hes so damn cute too...Err, i dunno... so thats the story of stuff in person
pIcacHu955: but apprently somthing happened today with the band that drove him insane, he said to read his blog and he would explain more, and then he totally just closed up to me and wouldnt say anything. And everytime i would try and make him feel better by complimenting hiom, or saying somthing silly, id get kinda shot down... he would ignore the fact that i said it.. or just pass it off like it ment nothing to him. ANd i know, i have to understand, hes upset... he doesnt like that kind of confort- or whatever... And its like.. i dont want to see him unhappy.. ever.. its scary.. i wanna fell like i have some purpose, like im capable of helping him at all.. and i felt totally helpless
pIcacHu955: and then i started to realize how helpess period im feeling latly
pIcacHu955: i have no control over anything
pIcacHu955: becasue i know how much i like him
pIcacHu955: and have no idea on how he feels about me, its driving me insane, this rollercoaster of feeling special.. then not feeling special.. thinking he likes me.. and then thinking he doesnt... like i have no fickin idea what our status is.. like whatso ever.. and i keep thinking i know what he means , and i know what hes thinking or whatever- in certain aspects... but god.. i seriously feel like i know nothing
pIcacHu955: like im just another ditsy girl, im scared ouuta my mind that i act like a dumb blonde around him, a giddy lil plaything, just casue i like him, casue i dont want to "think" i dont want to sit there and be like "STOP BEING DUMB" but, i dunno! I cant look back on how i act an analyze it.. i dont know why... but it scares me.. that i might be who i am sometimes, and not other times.. and i dunno... i dont know how he feels about me, and if me not being comfy enuff with myself to act normal around a guy i like would ruin one of the most important things to me right now. EWWW. Im sooo over analyzing everything...
pIcacHu955: hmm..
pIcacHu955: i think im done
pIcacHu955: im just.. scared.. and lost.. and tired.. and worried... and blind.. and helpless
pIcacHu955: :-(
pIcacHu955: i keep thinking, its gonna be fine:-) no matter what were gonna be friends, and he does like you.. see what happens..
pIcacHu955: but my friends..
pIcacHu955: i dunno.. cpet katie
pIcacHu955: theres still that voice that brings things to light, gives me doubt, makes me scared, i like him so much its sickening.. hes too nice to me somtimes, hes... wonderful.. for heavens sakes he actualy consented to listening to Duran Duran! I Love this kid!! But i DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
pIcacHu955: there, im finished. Period. Im done.. I dont wanna go on anymore, have fun reading.
Errr. who knows what consequnces this will bring.. the truth hurts. I pray that i know you well enuff to know this will only shed light.. and make things more comfortable to the both of us.. and not have you run away.. scared.. casue im a freak. Alan, I love you abbe, I will always be here for you, youve got me hooked.. hokd on alan workd fer me! lol.. DORK.. okay.. right, seriously.. anything i can do for you ever.. im totally brain leaked.. i have no idea what else to say... Just... tell me what your thinking i guess. *kisses babe* I wish for the best. Good night.. *mad love*
Love, me
