*~Traveling Penguin~ *

Jessica had a nervous breakdown today. She couldnt stop shaking, Its sad that I know exactly how to handle a situation like that, I just ran her out of the classroom, sat her down, got her water and a tissue, and told her to spill it. I feel horrible saying it... but THANK GOD. I was getting so sick and tired of being the only one that was having real problems keeping an appearence up of "perfection", and strength... its hard being alone when you crash... really hard. Everyone else with their perfect little happy lives (at least that I spend a daily basis with- Not everyone I know has it all together) But, those who consider their biggest problems trying to decide what to buy poeple for Christams... I was so happy that finally someone else was sick and tired of the monotany, and lack of stability. Even though Jessica still didnt have that big of problems to have a nervous breakdown.. hell I dont have that much stress on me, all things considered, I just dont know how to handle what i have- yet. Anyways... I honestly dont think she told me the whole story, but it was so clensing talking to somone who also cant sleep, who is struggling in classes that are supposed to be a breeze, whose despising the "smart" people around her making her feel insanly retarded, who cant believe she's crashing and burning with a weakness, and not knowing how to handle it- in only high school. I figured it will make us have more preparation to handle all the shit in College we will have to deal with, and we should appreiciate the fact that we are going through stages now, when later it can be considered petty- and only makes us stronger. She asked me If I thought I was really sick, or if it was a psycological thing that was just making me physically and mentally exhausted... cause like every muscle, every joint aches in my body, I really am completely exhausted no matter how much sleep i get- she says she's been feeling that way latly too.. How she got 12 hours of sleep on saturday, but still felt weak, and just wanted to burst out crying... Lol, welcome to my world hunny. She went off on how she felt so dumb, becasue like she doesnt even deserve to be so upset- she has a boyfriend, who's wonderful and all- but we all know Andreas doesnt deserve Jess.. and he's been making her feel pretty inferior latly, She has a family who treats her like a little princess, and a best friend and other friends who treat her just fine... Which is all completely true- mainly why i freaked out when she broke down. Apprently she wasnt herself last week on a day she had like three tests, and pretty miserably failed or did badly on all of them. I was like.. DOOD.. thank you! I DIED on my Math test, and My history test was even worse.. she's like, at least I'm not the only one who thinks Junior year is sucking ass.. and I was like, I dont think you'll ever be the only one. It made me feel like, hell... maybe I DO actually have a reason to just feel like bursting out crying somtimes... for no reason.. I mean you can look at my life with the glass half full and go it rocks! I live in a great house, in sunny florida, by Disney, I get a decent enuff report card to actually have a future.. i HAVE friends... a best friend.. i have the love i want, and what else is there. Hum.. for me, If you look at the glass half empty, theres a hell of alot that Im still searching for.. that I despise the fact that i lack. I think Jess and I practically talked the entire English period, just feeding off of each other and listening.. it was great... she felt really bad casue she had no idea about my family, about my grades and especially about Alan, well no one knows about Alan. So.. yeah. I guess I knew a good amount of her stuff, casue Andreas is predictable, and grades are a bitch- especially with the friends we have who are all in constant compitition and decide its great fun to brag and "feel wonderful". Honestly, I told her.. I think I really am sick, but my body is completly exhausted casue Ive really beaten myself up- and I dont deserve it.. neither does she. We kinda just sat there and realized how silly and petty our high-school worries actually are... *sigh* Just. Dumb. Stupid girls. We will get over it, and move on... the quicker I realize this the eaiser it is, so why cant I fucking do it..?!

you whispered out loud... but your breeze doesnt bend

Thanksgiving was absolutly insane. My friggin Sister didn't even go, but SOMHOW she still managed to ruin it for the family. I cannot BELIEVE she had the audasity to send that email when the entire family was still at Tom's, becasue then everyone had to get involved in a old fashioned ranting about my sister. Which at first i thouroghly enjoyed, and then it just got old, and painful- becasue everything these people were saying, all the arguing and yelling, all things I have been saying for months prior.. but because I say them, I lose my sister, and my parents STILL consider her the *angel* child. Kate never spoke, Kate wasnt outgoing, Kate wasnt shunned by the family, Kate was the quiet timid perfect little child, and I was the grey area in between the two generations of the family, and right after I was born my rents tear me away from the rest of the lot.. so now- half of my cousins dont even know my name. And my sister is bitchin about how the family treats HER? That poeple treat her like a child?! Maybe if she stopped acting like one....Why cant she just take the friggin blinders off her eyes and see the blackmailing piece of trash that she is tied with a teather too! I cannot BELIEVE she hasnt noticed how he's.. just... creepy. Buying her a cell phone just so she can call him every time she goes somwhere to check in? Constantly buying her jewlery, the man has been in jail, didnt grow up with a family, had his wife cheat on him and run off to europe with their two kids... ARG!! Im so scared Im going to end up like her.... And then she decided to repremand Tom and Rick for not accepting Ellis last year? When they went blatently out of their way to keep them comfortable- Tom even let Kate and Ellis sleep in the same room- even though Tom had children in the house.. ERR! Kate has spent like 10 more years with the family then I have, you'd think she would realize that the family does not function by automatically accepting people- most boyfriends-or girlfriends in the family were met as fiance's, and even then, Grandma STILL didnt let them sleep in the same room, Tom was overly accomidating compared to some poeple in our family. I stil, cannot get over what happened last year, I never said anything to that man that was out of line, every reaction he got, his little immature ways evoked out of me. Fucking sticking his feet in front of my face so I would look at him, then proceeding to make out with my sister- and instead of puching the man in the face i get up and walk away- AND I GET YELLED AT? And refusing to talk to him... instead of yelling at him, and making it much more blatently obvious that I hated him- I refuse to PRETEND i like the man, when i dont believe my sister should waste years of her life with him. And Ellis goes off to my parents that Im a horrible child, they didnt raise me right, that if he was Kate he would never talk to me again for refusing to be happy for her... and my fucking parents didnt punch him. Kate didnt stop the moron! HE SAID THEY DIDNT RAISE ME RIGHT.. I would have bashed his head in... If i was AWAKE. Then my sister breaks down crying saying Ive ruined her thnaksgiving, and they leave- all before I even wake up. That man has her on the tightest leash and I dont understand it at ALL. I mean I knew she has a major self esteem problem, and longed for somone to pay attention to her, but DAMN... well, I will take that risk, I will keep trying to drill it thru her head that shes screwing her life up- becasue I believe my voice wont casue her to rebell, but if i keep losing her fine- ill take that risk to get it thru her head that shes completly fucking insane. She hasnt spoken to her best friend in months- tracy, alex.. sue- I have no clue if she ever talks to them. Ellis told my mother and I once " I love Kate, and I will make sure to get rid of anyone, anyone who ever makes her unhappy, or ever gets in the way of our love- its just us, and if no one else can appreciate it- they dont need to be in her life"... In short he pretty much blackmailed myself and my mom- saying if we dont love him and accept him, then he will make sure she doesnt talk to us- I cannot believe it worked with me, and my rents are terrified to say anything to her, casue they dont wanna lose her, and dammit they are being so leinent!! *AG!* Ha.. "not all families are normal" but why did it have to be MY sister? The only one in my family who ever even tried to understand me... bleh. Thank god ellis is still married, or else they might be married... *scream* And if my rents dont say somthing to her at that point, I swear..... God, I dont know what to do anymore. Listening to Tom and Rick bitch, shes losing people that barley ever see her now.. shes lost almost everyone becasue of him... she works like 5 hours overtime a day becasue she needs the money- that he keeps spening, on tvs, couches, beds, necklaces... *AGGG!!!!!* AND MY FUCKING PARENTS STILL DEFEND HER. no! Shes a moron! Stop thinking "its not her fault"... *cries*... god, what do I do.... no no no no no. i wanna talk to her, I wanna have a lunch date kinda thing... but I am so weak.. I dont want to not accomplish anything, it might hurt even more. *i hate feeling worthless*.... and no matter what I do, Im still the devil.. I still fuck things up.. I still can work myself out. *internal scream*. And thats not the half of it. I seriously, just wanna see her and punch her.

blow... grey lady blow your ships back home...

Right after the Thanksgiving trip my dad got really Ill. he never gets sick, and of course my mom gets all sick, the hypochondriac she is, and I guess it was inevitable that I would start feeling crappy. My dad came home from the last visit at the doctors for his cancer the other day, and goes " they just realized they might not have gotten it all"... I hate hospitals, I hate doctors, i hate technology. Five moths of suffering, and of surgery, and recooperation, and my mom having depression attacks, and me working my ass off. All for nothing- the slight possibility to go thru it all AGIAN? No, FUCK no.. you tell us a YES you will have to go thru it again, or a NO dammit. What the hell is their problem?- anticipation, anxiousness, fear- i fucking hate fear. Lol, its funny... I had this question on a profile today-what was the scariest moment of your life? Well... finding out about Eric was scary, but he was already dead, that was just complte inability to have emotion at all, my dad going into surgery was scary.. but Brent took me out that morning, and Denny was there that afternoon.. I couldnt be scared when i felt so loved. Losing corey was scary... but I dont look back on it in fear... losing Brent was scary... but I love him, hes my big brother, i didnt deserve to be scared... every scary thing that ive ever done that has involved adventure- or UH FACING my fears- hence the FACING the fears thing- I could say the cockroach being thrown at me was scary, it was a fucking little bug, im no longer scared of them.. and I only overreacted for attentions sake. Im could say Im afraid of losing people- but Im so used to it. I could say im afraid of death and forever... but... I cant help that- its pointless having an unbeatable fear... casue no matter what Im going to have to face it. I feel like I dont have any fears anymore, like- in all honesty and truth, Im not afraid of anything, that the petty things I can face and the stupid things that I insist im scared of I will get thru- what is the point of being scared. It should be a triumph, it should be somthing Im proud of- instead I fell empty.... I havnt cried over a death in about 6 years. I dont like the idea that I handle tradegdy like that- one of these days, im not gonna be able to stay "composed".. and I dont like the idea of that. I am making no frickin sense, and I need to quit putting myself down.

You know whats funny? I read over all my posts on this, a gradual... Im happy, I happier, Im on a cloud i cant be any happier! To using the word fuck... a lot. Its funny, how much can change, how things can come crashing down, and the way I act. The way I act inside myself, and the way i portray myself. I should stop making excuses, and instead of having all the damn internal fights, "let the wookie win". The realization of how little I have grown. Lol, I asked Corey the other night, some question about me- like if he thought I was silly, or somthing- and he goes ... Anne I honestly don't really know you anymore. And i sat there, and I was like.. damn, actually Corey you do, I havnt changed much in three years.. and the sad thing is, you probably know me as well as megan. He's like I knew you.. I knew you better then anyone- I could predict you so easily, trust me, your not the same person. I was like- I dont believe you.. I havnt changed, Maybe I have gotten stronger, maybe I have gotten rid of some habits, and as a person i am not so annoying, but honestly- sit there and just try to tell me you dont know the exact reasons why Alan is sick of me, just try and tell me you dont know what I am doing wrong with realtionships... and he's like fine.. yeah, in that sense you havnt healed, and you havnt grown from it yet. Your still really thickheaded about things, and your still very... "attached.."..clingy, per say. I was like exactly- way to fuck me up corey! Hes like- heh, you brought it all on yourself Anne, It was really wrong of me to allow you to do it- but hell, i loved it.. :)... I mean it took me two years to realize what I was doing to you- and you know I tried my best to help you........ I was like By fucking making my life a living hell for two years! OH YEAH SURE.. you were trying "to save me". Best part- corey goes- I was a kid. I thought the best way to save you was to make you get over me, but, uh, pushing you to attempted suicide might have been the wrong path. I was really stupid and immature.. but I thought It made you stronger, you said it did, now wake up and realize it did and stop making your life harder then it should be. I havnt grown up. I am the same damn person I was in 7th grade, just a lot stronger, a lot less stupid. But I still cant seem to convince myself that Im better then i think i am. How sickening is that? I.. wish I was more like I pass myself off to be to people when I first meet them.. this sarcastic little cute girl who could care less if you think im stupid or silly, and could care less if you ever talk to me again- first impressions are my thing, my thing ive mastered- its just goes downhill from there. God is the only one who will always be there for me, everyone else is going to go away.. why cant i get this through my head, appreciate who i have and Let go of who I dont. AHH!!!!!

*casue its always raining in my head...*

I hate being lonely, I hate my surroundings, and I hate having a clouded head. I hate being so far from reality, but still dieing to esacpe it. Easter Island man... run away... lol- take a road trip to easter island. I hate wanting to stay a kid, but continuing to try and force myself to grow up. I hate thinking I can't beat myself... casue

i can...

*so I speak to you in riddles... cause my words get in my way...*

If I could be anything
Id be a shooting star
Becasue so many people would have faith in me
and think i can make their dreams come true....

The human mind is overrated. It cant even understand the human heart.

Sigh, I need to sleep.. my head hurts. :P

Love, Me.

posted by Anne # 5:46 PM

~Traveling Penguin~

Friday, November 30, 2001

Thursday, November 29, 2001

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