Alan, hunny.. we need to talk.
That statement has about a thousand different meanings to me its not even funny-- Not only do we need to talk currently, but... how bout we try talking
period. Is it because you have a hard time expressing your feelings directly to
me , or what? I feel.. Like you don’t tell me anything... like.. we talk a lot sure- but its horribly superficial talk- all on the surface obvious drab, events happenings simple updates- things you would say in passing... No.. major emotions expressed at all. Which is why I had a very hard time trying to convince myself to just talk about why I was crying on the phone the other night.. Not that you pushed me to talk about it- but seriously, as Dribble said- how he felt like it was an "everyone talk to him - but he cant talk" situation. I don’t wanna bitch and moan about my petty problems... when you don’t tell me jack shit about yours. It’s an unfair balance in a fucked up relationship that way. *two way friendship*... You sit there and say you wanna be friends... destroying me in the process, but I’m gonna do it-
DUH. IM NOT GETTING ANY HELP HERE ALAN. Last nights phone conversation threw me over the edge, seriously. I felt like I was digging desperately for conversation topics.. I expected you to be so much happier to hear my voice. (i dunno.. maybe because I was so happy to hear yours) I dunno if it was because you were just utterly exhausted, or had no desire to talk to me- whatever. I’m just, confused? maybe? The one-syllable answers, the insanely monotone voice- I’ve read too much into It I’m well aware- but I started thinking. Again, I’ve come to the conclusion thinking= bad.
"keep talking about regret? okay. sex drive, while still apparent, is nowhere near as strong as it used to be. it's like...i enjoy victoria's secret commercials...but i'm not...excited by them. yyyyeeeahhh. i'm forcing these thoughts out of my mind whenever they arrise...unless they're in correlation with true, undeniable feeling. this happens in...one scenario. *pause for stomach*"
Hunny.. Wtf is that about?? I wish you weren’t so vague sometimes... but its completely understandable.. Considering how much your killing me with the amount of people reading your blog :P But... errr... seriously.. that’s just like One quote from your blog recently that has drove me insane with curiosity with the thoughts and feelings that spin inside your mind. Dood.. I so thirst to
know you... everything that you posses... I’m so intrigued by you... its crazy.. it might be... maybe, because you do sometimes touch on some incredibly deep portions of yourself.. but that’s all you do...
touch on them... then sit there and watch me squirm with anticipation for you to continue only for you to say "yeah, so that’s that.. " We talked so much about how we were gonna actually ... "talk" When we were in person.. alone.. with the comfort of each others arms to protect us from any inner demons plaguing our reasoning behind not wanting to open up... *Anne is slowly getting more profound... ~shrugs~* We talked about it a few times... always saying "well if you don’t want to talk about it over the phone.. we will when we are together" like, the issue of heaven, fears, past, and.... REGRETS. I think at least. Bleh- and not to say that the night wasn’t insanely wonderful.. It would have been so nice If we talked... I would feel like maybe you actually trusted me.
"I cannot get u out of my mind. my stomach is turbulent. i'm sorry...i'm sorry."
I may be outta line, But when I read that, I immediately thought you were referring to Lauren. Am I allowed to know what happened there?! Cause obviously you guys got in a fight.. and bad one.. and she’s really mad.. or something. I DONT KNOW. Err, in a way, I’m like I don’t need to know, cause its none of my business... why would he even think to tell you about what happened? Err.. then the other half of me is like.. why.. why didn’t he think to even mention what happened. Obviously it affected him a lot.. and not a single word about it to me. :( Its a situation, a single one, maybe one that i shouldn’t have used.. but there’s been others that have driven me to thinking.. wait a second..
I know, you have told me a lot actually.. enuff to make me feel like, Hey maybe I do know him pretty damn well. Current issues I guess.. I dunno.. I wish i could just talk to you, and you’d be like "ohh, I’m so mad.. or sad... or upset or happy about this... etc etc" and talk to me.. *sigh* I dunno, maybe I’m asking for too much, a previous very very close friend of mine was incredibly closed up... didn’t talk to me about much of anything that involved actually digging into feelings.. it eventually got to the point where I realized I could do nothing about it, and kinda gave up.. thinking that was just the way he was- however.. I know that it is not the way he is. Err, I disliked, and even tho its a bit better now, I still dislike that relationship very very much... I do not want that to happen to us... I just don’t.
And dammit, why is it whenever I try and focus, get my thoughts straight etc etc... the stupid Live Dance With You song comes on.. *sigh* .. It came on when you first started talking about us breaking up.. and well it came on the second time you talked about it too.. I have this curse with it.. whenever I feel myself getting somewhat upset with you..(there was another instance too) it always comes on, so instead of me trying to think of ways to express my feelings, I stop and listen to it.. and think.. God I love this boy, what the hell am I doing!?? and I wanna drive up to Gainesville just to hug you. I am so pathetic. Er. Forget it.. screw what I just said, it came out a little wrong.. made it seem like I get 'mad' at you.. and often. And that’s not true. I understand a lot more often then you may think... sometimes it amazes me...
Now, please, Don’t think that I’m sitting here saying, "Alan you better start talking to me, or God I’m gonna die- Or I don’t know what’s gonna happen" or some petty girl "serious" crap like that. I’m merely opening the issue to you. Showing you how I feel lately, *being honest*.
I'm trying.. Are you? I dunno.. maybe that was out of line too... Don’t get upset if you think you are.. I’m not your heart, I’m not your mind.. and I’m sure as hell not in tune with them quite yet :) I want to know about
you I want to know what’s happening in your life besides dumb stuff like you woke up at 10:30 went to class, then did homework. Err.. dammit, I wanna work to deserve you, I wanna feel like I do. I didn’t before, and If we ever become "something" again.. I want to actually deserve you.. bleh- no I’m not playing you up to increase you ego- I seriously mean it.. And even I we don’t, which seems like where this is going.. I want to be a true friend to you, I wanna feel like my position in your life if one of importance.. I guess. yuck, this is getting really silly. And I’m starting to second guess myself and consider 'editing'... which is a good sign to stop.
...I.. Miss.. you.. so .. much...
I seriously.. cant stop thinking about you.. its sickening! LOL. talk about 'a turbulent stomach' hehehe. Err... am im being obsessive?? I feel like I’m bothering you, and being very silly. Der. I’m just gonna shut up. ew. respond to this however you seem fit.. ciao hun
Love, Me
