damn, I am one clingy lil bitch.
Someone slap me next time i express my self like I did (scoll down) there. Whatever, so im stupid, eh... what can ya do?
POST LIKE TWO WEEKS IN THE MAKING
DOOD, i am the biggest procrastinator I know, I have been meaning to post for .. err.. too long, and Ive never gotten around to it.. so ive had all the repressed thoughts and crazy things spinning throughout my head for about two weeks, and Im like- woah, i should put this on internet paper... and I go yeah.. And thats the extent of it. No more dammit! I will write tonight! Also becasue I only have about four hours left of my personal soul mate-
*cries..* "how..
*sniff..* am i supposed
(dramatic huffing and puffing) to
*tear falls* live without you a.. o .. l.."
*bursts out in tears* The academy throws the aword at me.
So yes, indeed I have a lot of things on my mind, let me just think of them. *sigh* Okay One. Lemmie clear this up- FUCK FUCK FUCK, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, fuck fuck fuck, fuck, FUCK. ::::I wish:::: giant baseball bat, and just constantly swing it and break things for about twenty minutes... Im doing that thing again, where Im about to crack, and its not good.
I must stop bottleing things up I wanna just stand up one day and be able to completly go off on people like that without all the consequences, to drill into some peoples head what fucking selfish retared bastards they are. Is it really that damn hard to wake up and think before you speak? or laugh? or just simply cutt down someone? And instead of always thinking what is in it for ME... how bout- how the fuck could I help them?? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SOME OF THE MOST SELFISH FUCKING FRIENDS OFF ALL TIME. Its a MAJOR push on my self-esteem, drives me crazy thinking others are rubbing off on me, and i might be pretty selfish and self centered myself... *scream* The sad thing is I've had to put up with most of thses people for over eight years, and if anything they have gradually changed for the worst, especially Andreas. You'd think though that after three years of being total ass holes towards me they might grow up- the one who did was the one everyone placed bets on who wouldnt.. Corey is totally civil to me, all things considered. Andreas is still stabbing me in the back, but he will be such an *angel* if we are alone... ARG that Pisses me OFF. Joey and Adam Are gay. Final statement. They are the most self- centered people... who only like others if they have similar tastes- ie. If someone doesnt like fight club- GASP... they refuse to talk to them, and if they arent hot... whats the point? LIKE FRIGGIN JOEY AND ADAM ARE PRIZES THEMSELVES. They make fun of mike when he gets "stuck" walking with me after physics... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Joey used to be one of my closest friends, yeah, they can go suck an egg. Mike is a situation I cant even firgure out, he screws over my best friend big time, and he really is one of the most sarcasticsally mean guys towards me- but I know that if i wasnt completly smitten with Alan i would probably like Mike. Which, in a way, sickens me, becasue I have no idea why, and frankly, i would never tell a soul this, becasue megs is still in love with him, and im pretty sure Day is too, and well, hopfully this whole admiration of his humor will die and grow mold. Jessica is the most superficial and egotistical girl I have ever met in my life. It drives me insanse, I love that girl to death, but when she comments on how the fact that her hair is down doesnt match the shirt shes wearing... *someone shoot me*. She rags on me constantly on how I dont care what I look like when i go to school- is it a crime to throw my hair up after a shower, and throw on a cute outfit, or somthing that is just comfortable? who the heck am i supposed to impress, and she damn well knows I can dress up when i want to. And to say somthing like- "you can be pretty when you try, but you never are." megan said she would have smacked her if we werent all standing in the middle of the courtyard next to administrators. I just kinda ignored it, becasue jessi never thinks before she speaks. She can be a very cool person somtimes, when she isnt trying to impress every single person she comes in contact with, or insists on "being cool"... or rubs it in megan and I's face that the guy was "so looking at her" when in fact she is the only one with a boyfriend, if Andreas counts. Hell, those two are perfect for each other, they are complerte opposites in personality, but they both try waaaay to hard to impress others, and try to "look cool by not caring" like the cutaway crew, or the band people... not the geeky ones. When in fact it doesnt seem to get thru their heads that trying to be like them and trying to not be cool.. dammit, all the "cutaway" crew cares about is if your a good person, they couldnt care less if your a prep or what. Screw it.. i hate people being fake, especially when it's me. Okay, phew on to...sara... geesh, -example, almost everytime she gets pizza, sara refuses to stand in line, so she gives me the money and asks me to buy it for her. I dont have anyhting better to do, and frankly, somtimes that steve kid comes and takes my spot at the table, so somtimes i dont even have a seat- So.. i go and buy her food. Many times when I have returned after standing twenty minutes in line, and very irratable, Sara will start complaining that it took me too long, or clap that i have finally returned. Katie and Megan have started to go with me out of pity, for some reason ( i love them) and like they keep telling me that I should tell her off... but whats the point. Ill only get attacked anyways. *sigh* She is one of the most sensitive people ever, but is COMPLETLY closed of to the feelings of others- its a medical marvel! Bleh, when she was mad at me, becasue someone else heard from someone heard from someone, that I had said that everyone just tolerates sara and doesnt really like her. Sigh... problem is, i said somthing very similar to that, in defense of megan's strong despise of sara- I said, like most people megan doesnt hate sara, they just tolerate her. OOPS. How was I supposed to know Brooke would ask kim if she really liked sara... or if she just tolerated her, casue thats apprently what i said. Damn.. even though its true- I should have never said it. Casue sara of course got hurt, and wouldnt listen to a word of my reasoning, so i just let it go and waited for her to cool off. Then suddenly about two days later, Kim goes apeshit on me and refuses to talk to me. Gah.. Im really tearing myself apart by going off like this ... so i refuse to do it anymore. *breathes* I guess Im much better tho.
That wasnt really important now that i think of it. I just wanted to vent a little bit in a form where I will not have anyone find out and get hurt... becasue
talking behing peoples backs is just fucking wrong. Well, anyways. Kim is really hurting me. Im getting really tired of putting up with her shit, she refuses to talk to me, and just sits there going "well im hurt" and thats all she says, and when i try to talk to her... bleh- Ive just given up, it is no fun anymore, at all. Not that we havnt had practically a best friendship for about three years now or anything. I feel bad tho... casue I know i used to complain constantly on how i was never number one for anyone.. I was never good enough to be important to anyone, and Now Megan is my best friend who i would do anything for and vis versa- and Kim is second to me.. practically behind brent- and she knows it. Mainly becasue i cannot trust her- but how am I supposed to help that? She actually reminded me of ME when i went thru this whole spaz thing a year ago... and she closed herself off to people a lot more then i did however. What sucks is, I dont know what to do- casue its not like I can be like sorry, wanna be my best friend? And I hate the fact that she will go places with megan, and instead of the three of us like it used to be, she doesnt want me to come, so meggi cant invite me :( no matter how much i try to talk to her... its just useless.... Its driving me insane- i feel like such a hypocritical useless POS friend, seriously. GRR.. i hope shes happy. She accomplished her goal of making me miss her, and feel horrible. I dunno... maybe I feel more horrible about the fact that i really didnt need her to much.... so I dont miss her terribly... i just want her back as my friend. Is that selfish??? oh.. god..
AHHH!!! I cant stand bashing people! Its like ripping myself apart... casue its just not me, but i dunno, i have to, i have to do it somtimes... casue otherwise I blow up at people, and then i feel 1000 times worse. EWWWWW. Screw it, no more bitching for me. "you are what you practice" *sigh*
My sisters here, we got to talk, about nothing in peticular- she hadnt seen my belly button yet- how sad is that? We havnt spoke or seen each other in over 8 weeks... Im tired, I gotta go study for math with meggi. So im gonna quit writing.
The meteor shower kicked ass, it gave me time to sit there and think... calmly- unlike the other night, when most of what i wrote slid into my thoughts and decided to spin their eveil little heads. I kinda laid there and thought about Alan most of the time, casue I had just hung up with him.. so i guess it was sort of a given. Him and my cat- who had puked in the grass right next to me, which was quite lovely, *sigh*. Then i just kinda sat there... and stared... and didnt think at all... its was just bliss... I have this really really creepy feeling that the next couple of days are going to be hell... and the only fun Im going to have is with Denny and watching letterman at one in the morning with rick, and our other odd traditions. Casue this creepy fear school is going to kick my ass, and a lot of the things im looking forward to will fall through, or i will get stood up - just my luck. My little penguin feet hurt... I gotta stop moving.
Whatever, I got to wish a lot this morning :) we shall see what comes of it... mad love and kisses.
Love, Me
