Okay So. I cant really wait anymore... Bleh, and i have to talk to somone i trust thats kinda no affiliated with my friends. Honestly, I'm not too prepared, a lot of the issues I wont be able to go deep into, but If i go see you this weekend, you and Annie can give me big hugs or somthing. Lol. And maybe I will tell you more. If you actually went to the link to read this--- Thank You.
Okay.. I think the major problem I'm having right now is, well basically the friendships that have turned on me, and gotten a little hard to handle. Andreas decided it would be cool to stop being "gifted" and start living like "real people", So about a year ago, Andreas started smoking... and drinking at parties, and having alchol at his own parties, and latly he has been dabbling in pot, and other forms of weed I guess. Andreas may do what he wish... cause, I dunno, knowing him for 9 years the only thing I worry about is the smoking crap. That makes me sooo angry, honestly- whats worse, is he isnt the only one. Andreas started this trend, casue he did, his girlfriend Jessi did it, and his best friend Mike did it, and Katie started smoking, and becasue all these supposedly cool people were smoking... Megan decided to take up "taking a puff once in a while again". My friggin best friend smokes. I dont care If she claims "she wont get addicted"... or she doesnt do it that often. It drives me insane, disgusts me, and the few times she has done it in front of me, I have seriously considered stop being her best friend. Problem is, I cant confront her about it- Megan is BAD at confrontations, she either blows up in your face thinking your the most irrational person ever, or she feels so guilty and makes you feel so bad you apologize first.... its a lose lose situation- at least for me. And i feel like that im not important enough or "cool" enough to have a decent argument besides "hey they can kill you, idiot" to convince her to stop. She smoked before when she was younger, casue her best friend at the time had some- they were experiementing, and her mom caught them, and grounded her for, like, eternity- and she told me once "thank goodness my mom caught me, casue who knows what could happen, i could have gotten addicted---etc." That apprently was along time ago, and before she decided that fitting in was more important then her lungs. Another thing is the whole drugs thing I know mike katie andreas and jess all dabble in- Im afraid megan might be doing it, and she hasnt told me. I found about her smoking from Jessi, she never told me, she honestly never talks to me about it, casue she knows how I feel about it, all of that stuff. I assuem shes afraid to talk to me about becasue she KNows I will repremand her... *sigh* i dont know how to appraoch it otherwise, casue we went to a concert, and they were all smoking, and i was going to scream. I sat in the back and cried on the way home, casue i was so disgusted with some
of my best friends it made me feel so horrible that i was so dissapointed in them, and I didnt think that somthing as trivial as experimentation could ever make me judge someone to the point that i dont want to be best friends with them anymore... it scares me, because she is so important to me. Other side of the situation is everyone who openly denounces drugs and labels all those who do it "stupid", the so called losers who are staright edge.... i mean really straight edge. Im in the middle, becasue I dont yell at people, I could care less what they do- just dont make me do it....(however its diffrent if its my best friend...) sonce the group has already split into so many directions, and now its seperating into two giant groups, of anti alcohol etc, and the free spirits.... Im in that grey area in between, and it makes me crazy. I want to bee with the good group or whatever, but Im so close to everyone in the "bad" group, and have been for a looong time. This suddenly all started happeneing, and I honestly didnt expect to deal with it until college, and not with people ive established this.... roots? or somthing with... with people who are friends, not loved ones. ERG... and I will be a ahypocrit if i start yelling at people... my thing is DONT drink and drive, Dont be stupid with drugs, and smoking is just dumb- but go ahead ruin yoiur life.....now i just want to convince them to stop- but i dont think i have any power, and I dont want to have them shun me more than they do, and I dont want to try and run peoples lives just becasue i have certain morals. Megan... just hurts. It really does, casue I still act normal around her, but if shes around the rest of "them:" i want to punch her in the face, or never speak to her again.... i had such a vision of her, i thouhgt i knew who she was ya know? and its all shattered when she does that kind of crap, it hurts me. Erg, silly. I want new friends. So bad. I wish i had found another group-- they always take my seat at lunch, im barly ever invited everywhere, I feel like Im in the center of this huge group of close friends that ... discriminate against each other, i feel so lost with them somtimes, which is why i want to get out of here, far far away.
SCHOOL SUCKS. I cannot believe how hard it is to catch up when you only missed 2 weeks. And suddenly tests are piling up, and stress, and issues, and everything, lack of time, space, enjoyment of reality- its all going downhill. Its crazy. I mean, its not that bad, but i felt like I had gotten some sort of common ground together, and I felt like I could handle it all, and I find myself going over the deep end alot and being much more cynical, morbid and sarcastic latly, i snap at a lot of people too. Brent knows, when he came to see me at Christmas, my whole personality with him changed I dont feel like I have to impress anyone anymore... Im such a cynic bitch now.. its more like I dont care... Im trying to pick up the pieces still and it pisses me off. Im such a procrastinator too, i try and put my mind to things, i just dont want to do it, and theres always somthing else I could do.... its sad really. And I want to take 6 Ap classes next year... credits, college, get myself into shape- try and actually make it into the colleges I want- and I dont think they will let me. Im dropping out of Seamen's casue im sick of feeling inferior and stupid in his class.... to sum it all up he literally said to me once "you just barly made it into the gifted program by fluke didnt you", and ever since I have always felt so dumb int hat class and like I am the dumbest gifted kid, and i dont deserve the title or somthing. Im feeling very inferior latly... err. At Districts, when Jon went up on stage to recieve his awaord for best supporting, i was bawling, not just becasue i was sooo proud of him, but becasue I wish it coul have been me on stage- he always tried to prove himself and ginally did... and I have this figment that im never being appreciated as an actress, and I dont think i try. I wa sonly in the one act, and I felt so small. Like I wasnt going to go anywhere in life. I was so dissapointed in myself for not being able to do anything in districts, and the mono is a bad excuse, i had time... i had time. bleh. Its so wierd, I have the worst attitude with my parents againt too... everything is soo irritating to me... im snap a lot. but mainly just in general, and I usually pass it off as joking, but somtiems im really serious and it scares me. sigh i dunno. Im probbaly going insane, just stressed out, tired, and worried about the future, and everything. bleh bleh bleh. Besides little things like why are my parents being so dumb about the car? My whole relationship with kim, one moment she hates me, the next hey i missed you.... Like boys. Boys are dumb. eh. Im over that for a while. Soooo irratable. Want to get away. *sigh*. I dunno. Ill stop here, write mope later maybe. thanks for reading :) tell me anything you may have hints on. Okay. I wanna sleep :) hehe, maybe I will see you two soon. Much Love
Lil Sis
