Im hurt
I dont know who reads this and im worried that everyone and their mom does. But i dont care. I spent the day with Brent. Holy crap.... holy friggin crap do i love that boy more than anything in this world... he better know that i would do anything for him. I try so hard to make him happy, to make his life eaiser... since ive screwed it up so much.I seriously wish... we were closer, i still feel like im so far from him. Im his little sister- but im terrified, and wouldnt be surprised if suddenly... we just "lose touch"... especially if he becomes famous. but what can you do. As is life
Now im not upset about him. Hes done nothing wrong. And becasue i try to keep his life happy, i try to make everyone around him who i like happy. And i happen to really really want someone in his life to be very close to me, and it pisses the hell out of me that for some reaosn no matter how hard i may try- and how much i trust them... and how much i give of myself to act normal around them.... they refuse to give me the benifit of the doubt and actually appreciate my existence and feel the same way about me as i do them. I sarifice my time and my own comfort zone to please them... to make them realize i enjoy their companty and am not in it just to be close to brent---- and i fail. Somhow I friggin fail. That makes me so upset. To try so hard.... to have this image of a person, to look up to them and realize they are so much like you- but have a trait that really hurts you, that you cant change... that you cant do anything about.... becasue their feelings towards you will never change. Love is a funny thing. I wish i didnt love the people I did. I wish i didnt negitavly affect the lives of people that i do. I hate it. I hate it so much.... somtimes... thats the only thing that really really gets me latly ... with the worthlessness of any effort, and purpose. AGH!!!!
I wish... man how I dream, i wish I had somone like brent in MY life. becasue honestly- brent isnt really in my life... i wish he was- but as alan said... the whole- think about friends you could live without, he could sooooo easily live without me, and its hard to keep in touch with, and cherish and feel like somone is a part of your life when they have that sort of mentality towards you... but... i need somone like him to give me the fullfillment. Dammit Annie is lucky. They are gonna get married, and she is gonna live in perfect harmony. One of these days ill find my bit of happiness hehe. Man they are so awesome and perfect for each other... i just wish Annie believed that i honestly think that. Whatever. I need a day like this more often. With less eye openers.... and more moronic fun, and sillyness, and just plain friendship. It makes me cry in happiness now- in happiness, casue finally, after like a year and a half, we achived an awesome comfy friendship that rocks... still kinda distant... but ... god i cant be so friggin greedy..., and i only get to share it with him like once every three months.
I wonder what he thinks of me somtimes... i hate being so... wierded... feeling like im some extremity, when i know im not... that I am his friend, and he cares. I just miss him. But hes so happy. so thats cool. Im a retard- lol.
MAN i love the jimmy eats world cd.
im currently crying. wtf is that about? AGHH!!! I hate stress. I hate life! I hate being human! I hate school, and decisions and parenst and crazy driviers who cut you off and almost kill you. man. i really hate those.
I dunno. I hate valentines day... i would like to kick it in the balls, just another day to drivie it into my head that i suck, and that ive honestly never had a real boyfriend, and i dunno the holiday sucks. lol. Dumb holiday. So created by card companies, and flower people.
I still cant believe she said that. i wont let it get to me, but at the moment it hurts until i let it roll off my back. ERG/
I need to go eat somthing fattening, and so somthing silly exiting and fun. Dear god please give me some forms of escapes the next couple of days!!!! I need more pick me ups!!! I wanna go dancing again
I AM SO DUMB!!!!
i HATE it when people are fake.. i despise it.. i will never be fake again... casue it hurts when people find out they dont know the real you. bleh. I want to know the real "you" of everyone... i really do, and i feeel like i really dont :( Sigh...
*Spinning into sweet uncertanty*
whatever, i had to get some stuff off my chest. im tired.
Love, Me
